Pornography
Posted by Yam on January 31st, 2007
Pornography’s a pretty serious issue in the church, because it’s so destructive to the type of marriages and lives which we’d like to help people to build. So our leaders make sure to talk about it every so often.
In priesthood the other day, we had a lesson about it. The discussion centered around the harmful effects of pornography, how to avoid it, what you should do if you or someone you care about becomes addicted to it, how your bishop can try to help, and how, if you find yourself craving it, to distract yourself with other activities. From there, we went into related subjects, like what do you do when you have an attractive co-worker, or encounter a beautiful girl while out on a walk.
The implicit assumption in this is that you’ll find it all attractive. It emphasizes the harmful long-term effects, while basically saying that in the short term, it’s enjoyable—enjoyable enough to be addictive; enjoyable enough that you can’t take your mind off of it, that you need to repress it somehow (like that ever works).
I have a simpler solution, which seems to work pretty well for me (at least, so far :)).
The problem isn’t the porn, or what your co-worker looks like or acts like; you can’t control that. The problem is your reaction to it, which you can> control.  When you look at a girl, you might see her body, but you can also choose to look deeper than that, to see her as a daughter of God, as a person, as a unique and special human being. When you see her this way, with genuine love in your heart, you want what’s best for her. Which usually isn’t something sexual.
Viewing pornography this way, you feel sorry for the girl in the picture, because she is a daughter of God, she has parents and maybe siblings, she might be or become a mother herself, and look what she’s been brought down to. It’s saddening; it fills me with a desire to do something to help, and other desires don’t even come up.
It’s a great attitude. I try to smile at everyone, attractive to me or not, hoping they get what’s best for them, hoping that they are or soon will be happy. There’s no need to repress anything.  I smile at everyone, and everyone–physically beautiful or not–seems beautiful to me.
Viewing pornography this way, you feel sorry for the girl in the picture,…
I will have to try viewing pornography with this in mind. Let’s see, where is a good site to try out your suggestion…
But seriously, nice post.
Comment # 1 left by Jacob on February 1st, 2007
Yam
I second all you are saying there. It is all a lie to say it is good. People confuse strong emotions with the idea they must be good emotions. It is the same as when a person gets on a roller-coaster. Our spirit inside is in fear. This creates a lot of strong emotion. The person gets off and feels they got a thrill. If they really listened to their spirit inside them, they would find that a one sided opinion.
The song says, “there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain”. Many make stronger feelings in lust by adding pain. That should tell us something. Our hearts do not find joy in lust.
What you are saying works for me too. Also I think it a good idea for people having problems to spend time visualising themselves being more feeling of women. And approaching them with love.
Comment # 2 left by Doug Towers on February 1st, 2007
This is a nice approach. Hopefully we can keep it in mind. I think for many it is way to easy to separate the individual from the picture or imaginations of the mind.
I do think avoidance of this type of image and media is important, and one should not ignore this counsel. I know Jacob was joking in his comment, but it is amazing what people will justify.
What you suggest I believe is the long term solution that strikes at the heart of the issue. But until we can really master this control (if some of us ever really do) strict avoidance may be a good idea. This attitude should probably be combined with strict avoidance.
Comment # 3 left by Eric Nielson on February 1st, 2007
As Eric said, “What you suggest I believe is the long term solution that strikes at the heart of the issue.”
Seriously, Yam, this is beautiful.
The logic is so plain and precious; I almost can’t beleive that this isn’t already the standard counsel on the matter. I hope your idea disseminates through the whole church (and beyond–to those who will hear it). I really think you have found a major part of the answer to this awful problem that has plagued society and the church.
Comment # 4 left by Naiah Earhart on February 1st, 2007
I will have to try viewing pornography with this in mind. Let’s see, where is a good site to try out your suggestion…
The sad thing is, in contemporary American society, it’s all around us.
Comment # 5 left by Yam on February 1st, 2007
It is the same as when a person gets on a roller-coaster. Our spirit inside is in fear.
Absolutely. That’s getting into another interesting topic–this need for intense experiences many people seem to have. I haven’t thought about it enough to really understand it, though… (maybe it’s driven by the media, where drama sells and everyday life is boring?)
Maybe it’ll make another post, someday.
Comment # 6 left by Yam on February 1st, 2007
I do think avoidance of this type of image and media is important, and one should not ignore this counsel.
I wholeheartedly agree. Even if you don’t seek it out, though, I think you’ll encounter it; maybe not pornographic media, but ads these days aren’t too different, and there’re the real-life people you meet too.
Comment # 7 left by Yam on February 1st, 2007
Seriously, Yam, this is beautiful.
Thanks, Naiah!
Comment # 8 left by Yam on February 1st, 2007
Hi, Yam-
This is a great post, and quite appropriate following the anti-feminist post and discussion of yesterday. One thing feminists (Mormon or not) and members of the LDS Church both agree on is that pornography is physically and spiritually destructive to both women and men. Thanks for this post.
Comment # 9 left by ECS on February 1st, 2007
The problem is your reaction to it, which you can control. When you look at a girl, you might see her body, but you can also choose to look deeper than that, to see her as a daughter of God, as a person, as a unique and special human being. When you see her this way, with genuine love in your heart, you want what’s best for her. Which usually isn’t something sexual.
Yam, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. My daughter is a beautiful petite female (5′ tall, 110 lbs) with size DDD breasts. She entered the MTC several months ago with a perfectly modest wardrobe which I spent several thousand dollars on, getting suits and blouses to fit well and be appropriate for missionary work. Soon after she went in I was informed that the elders had complained about her being “distracting.” She was taken out by a volunteer who bought her some huge brown baggy sweaters to wear as a missionary. I am completely irate. What message are we sending to this beautiful daughter of God about her body? She is already so ashamed of it. I wish whoever was in charge of the elders at the MTC could have focused on the elders and their inappropriate thoughts instead of my lovely daughter. I wish they could have been taught the lessons you have learned.
Comment # 10 left by Bored in Vernal on February 1st, 2007
My daughter is a beautiful petite female ..
When does she get off her mission?
Yam, great post. In this post I linked to a great article by Elder Holland where he talks about the destructive nature of pornography and what needs to happen. It’s a great read.
As Bored in Vernal points out, the problem largely needs to be dealt with by the men. Anorexia, materialism, pornography, and a slew of other evil situations are a direct result of carnal man’s push to see women as objects for sexual fulfillment.
That’s why the Proclamation on the Family is so crucial - it clearly states woman’s divine role as a daughter of God, and our need to uphold and defend that glorious title.
Comment # 11 left by Connor on February 1st, 2007
Yam:
The more I think about it the source of the trouble is the lustful heart. And while avoiding pornography is good, a simple trip to the grocery store and seeing an attractive woman can stir the lusts as much as the imagination desires.
I think a few people are saying is that perhaps pornography is the symptom more than the source of the problem.
Comment # 12 left by Eric Nielson on February 1st, 2007
Good post.
I’d like to add that as people develop healthy, positive, affirming attitudes about sexuality in general and their own sexuality in particular (and as they build a strong sexual and intimate bond with their spouses, if married), pornography becomes less and less attractive. For someone with a really healthy attitude about sexuality, it’s probably fairly easy to recognize how degrading, animalized, unrealistic, unromantic, and tragic pornographic depictions of sexuality are.
The truth is, pornographers prey on people who are uncomfortable with sexuality.
I’d personally like to hear more sexually affirming discussions in church. I think that would really do a lot to fortify our people against porn.
Comment # 13 left by Steve M. on February 1st, 2007
Bored in Vernal,
That is probably the most appalling, outrageous thing I have ever heard. I am absolutely disgusted that your daughter was treated in that way. It is difficult for me to express the amount of anger I am feeling now without using profanity, but it was a stupid and ridiculous thing for whoever it was to dress your daughter in gunny sacks. Have we really reached the point where young men can blame their inability to control their thoughts on a modestly dressed woman? What will happen in six weeks when that elder who complained is down in Honduras or wherever, and a woman younger than he is takes off her shirt and begins nursing her baby during a discussion? Rather than blaming your daughter, the distracted elder should have been told in the bluntest, most unmistakable terms that he is responsible for his own thoughts, and that if he is not a big enough boy to accept that responsibility, he is not big enough to serve a mission.
Comment # 14 left by Mark IV on February 1st, 2007
What will happen in six weeks when that elder who complained is down in Honduras or wherever, and a woman younger than he is takes off her shirt and begins nursing her baby during a discussion?
As one who did in fact serve in Honduras and was subjected to viewing many, many bare breasts of woman feeding their children in open view, I’ll attest to the importance of controlling one’s thoughts. The cowardly path is to blame the other person for your own feelings and thoughts. This is exactly what Elder Bednar described in his talk “And Nothing Shall Offend Them” about taking offense - it’s your own fault if you feel offended (or sexually aroused, in this case).
Granted, a modestly clothed woman is on a different end of the spectrum than a woman displaying her breast for all to say, but the underlying principle is the same. I do think that the women whose breasts I saw in Honduras could have done me a favor by covering up, thus preventing any stray thoughts I didn’t intend to have, but BiV’s fully clothed daughter did nothing wrong and dressing her in baggy clothes is pretty absurd…
Comment # 15 left by Connor on February 1st, 2007
Steve M
I’d have to agree with you on the idea of teaching positive gender concepts within the church. Particularly when society sends so many negative gender concepts. It is difficult to make a good, solid impression in the minds of members with so much opposition. I think the last post brought out some of the feelings on this.
Comment # 16 left by Doug Towers on February 1st, 2007
Excellent points, Yam. Your approach has really been a strength to me in the past. In those moments when the natural man sees the physical, it really helps me to remember the spiritual. One way I focus on the spiritual is to remember that every woman I see is a daughter of God and also my sister. I also like to think of every woman as some father’s daughter. How would her parents feel if some guy were lusting after her? I know how I would feel if someone had inappropriate thoughts about my daughters. The spiritual really has a powerful impact in helping me control the natural man.
Comment # 17 left by david on February 2nd, 2007
This is a really well-done post. I think this likely won’t help those already stuck in the trap, but it is a helpful concept for dealing with what we are bombarded with.
I only wish those who choose to be participants in the creation of the garbage (even ads, for example, that border on pornographic) would understand their worth and beauty.
Bored in Vernal, I am dead serious about being willing to set up an appointment with someone at the MTC to take a description of what happened to someone who might be able to do something about this. Email me at mulling_and_musing at hotmail d’com if this might be helpful. (I would be more effective if I could speak to specifics about her district, although I might just do it anyway with what you have said if you would prefer not to share any specifics with me. Please tell me if you would rather that I not do anything, but, IMO, this needs to be addressed. Yesterday. I am so sorry that she had to go through this, and that you have to bear the pain as her mother. I am weeping inside.)
Comment # 18 left by Michelle on February 3rd, 2007