It’s been swell but the swelling’s gone down
Posted by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
So I will be leaving blogging to pursue writing a book on a concept that a friend of mine and I dreamed up several years ago called “Just Care Less†(or JCL). Before I leave the ‘nacle (Thanksgiving being my final day) I wanted to get some input from anyone who would like to weigh in on my book idea, answer questions, hear criticisms, etc…
-Just Care Less-
JCL History:
My best friend and I consider ourselves to be pretty laid-back, relaxed and happy people. Between the two of us we rarely fight/argue with anyone and we rarely get upset about… well, anything. We were discussing one day why other people get worked up so easily and why we don’t. We realized that much of it has to do with us just not caring enough about problems to get upset about them. We determined that other people need to learn to “just care lessâ€
JCL Basic Ideal:
Stop caring so much. If someone cuts you off on the freeway – who cares? You certainly shouldn’t. The cutting off has already been done so there’s nothing you can do to change that. If you honk or scowl or flip the bird the other driver is not going to suddenly be remorseful and their angry or flippant response will likely make you even more upset. You just start tallying up one emotional loss after another. The more quickly you can let go of whatever wrong you think you’ve suffered, the sooner you can get on with enjoying the good stuff in life.
JCL Helps:
Sometimes it’s hard to let go of a perceived wrong committed against you. Example: Darlene is mad at Joanne because Joanne promised to help sew dresses for Darlene’s bridesmaids. On the Saturday morning when they planned to work together all day to complete the project, Joanne calls and briefly says that she cannot come and help. As a result Darlene is up until 2:00 am the next morning trying to finish the task. She spends the entire day feeling miserable for herself because she has no real friends and silently harbors ill feelings toward Joanne for months afterwards (sadly this ruins Darlene’s wedding day because Joanne is one of the bridesmaids and Darlene spends the entire day bristling at the presence of her terrible friend standing in the wedding party and wearing a dress that she didn’t even help to make). One day, the feelings all come out and Darlene chastises Joanne for being a bad friend. Joanne counters by explaining that she had suffered a miscarriage that Saturday morning and was an emotional and physical wreck. To add to Joanne’s misery, Darlene, her “best friend†never asked what was wrong. consequently Joanne also spent months harboring ill feelings. The point is – how often do we get stirred up to anger by the actions of others when we are never sure that we know all of the extenuating circumstances. Maybe that guy who cut you off is on a cell phone with a terrorist and if his car goes under 67 mph, the local elementary school will explode. Who knows what the truth is? But that’s the other great thing about JCL, you can get so entertained by the story you make up that you just might find yourself looking for ways to be wronged so that you can dream up a great excuse for the perpetrator.
JCL Summary:
Just let it all go for Pete’s sake! Every time you get angry or offended or frustrated, no matter how justified it is, you lose. It’s one more second of your life wasted being angry instead of happy. Every time you say “He makes me so mad†or “She made me cry†you surrender yourself to others. You give them control over your life. You become a dependent creature who is acted upon instead of acting. Stop it. Master yourself. Master your emotions. Be at peace despite whatever wars are raging around you. You will accomplish more and be happier in the process
JCL Issues:
“But Ryan, you can’t JCL about everything, don’t you know that evil flourishes when good men stand by and do nothing?â€
So far this is the strongest argument against JCL and one that I am still resolving. Where do you draw the line and start caring? I don’t know… but you’ll know I figured it out if/when you see JCL on the shelf of your local bookstore.
“You’re saying to not to get upset by things that are beyond my control right? Am I not supposed to grieve when someone close to me dies? Doesn’t this extremism devalue the human experience?â€
Yes, I am saying that anything beyond your control is not worth bemoaning. Including the death of loved ones. I understand it’s a tall order to ask people not grieve. I don’t think even I am capable of such a sublime level of JCL, but look – the person is dead. You aren’t bringing them back. Not only that, you are going to see them again in the not too distant future. Why waste away valuable happy time crying over something that will not change. I know that when I pass on I have no desire for all my friends and family to sit around blubbering away. I actually have told my wife that I want my memorial service to be an absolute laugh-fest. I haven’t planned out how that will work exactly but I want minimal mention of me beyond just “Ryan said he wants everyone to have a good time and to donate money to his kids. “
So anyway that’s the idea. Bring on the criticisms if you got ‘em. I really want to hear the flaws so I can work through them. If I don’t respond to your comment, it’s because I just care less about what you think or have to say. Don’t be offended. Just care less!
(By the way, it was pretty difficult to summarize the entire concept in one short blog post. I probably omitted some key points. Hopefully thsi will come out in the ensuing discussion - if there is any.)
I don’t care whether you write a book or not. Do whatever you want.
This has some similarities to my Carnegie training. You really can not change events or others (at least not directly). What you can control is your attitude. In a way this comes down to caring a great deal about your own quality of life, and not allowing outside influences have a negative impact on your attitude. No matter what happens you can control your reaction to it. A relatively stress free life that is as happy as you want is available.
For some interesting ideas you might check out Carnegies ‘How to stop worrying and start living’. I think your book has some good possibilities. Are you going to make it an LDS based book or more general?
Best wishes to you Ryan. I will miss you a great deal. Just don’t expect any tears!
Comment # 1 left by Eric Nielson on November 14th, 2006
Are you going to make it an LDS based book or more general?
I’m thinking I’ll do two versions, LDS and Heathen (or Gentile?)
I will definitely check out the Carnegie book. I am going to start moving into the research phase soon so any other suggestions for research material are welcome.
Just don’t expect any tears!
Understood.
Comment # 2 left by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
Ryan,
Wow, I’ve been living a philosophy this whole time and I didn’t even know it! JCL is exactly me. In fact, my wife sometimes thinks I’m either cold or emotionless when she expects me to cry or be upset.
Good luck with the book, let us all know when it’s on the shelves.
Comment # 3 left by Rusty on November 14th, 2006
n fact, my wife sometimes thinks I’m either cold or emotionless when she expects me to cry or be upset.
Been there. Mostly my wife wants me to get mad at someone who steals our parking space or talks too loud in a movie theater. I refuse to do it.
A friend of mine once said that she thinks that because I don’t experience the same intensity of sadness/anger that she does, I must not experience the same intensity of happiness.
She likened it to a roller-coaster… on a childrens roller-coaster the up and downhills are both small.. You don’t go up very far so consequently there’s not very far down to go. You could say it’s a “shallow” ride. The big rollercoasters have these long hills to climb and long hills to drop down. In essence the intensity of the positive is a direct corollary to the intensity of the negative…
I told her that’s dumb.
Comment # 4 left by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
Besides the new acronym, I’d be fairly surprised if you were able to find anything new to say on the topic. In college I worked at Barnes and Noble for a while and the self help section is replete with this sort of idea. “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” or even Covey’s stuff.
Comment # 5 left by J. Stapley on November 14th, 2006
I’d be fairly surprised if you were able to find anything new to say on the topic
Thank you for the vote of confidence
Actually I don’t really think that any of my ideas will be (or have ever been) original… I’m going more for originality of presentation. So you have hit the nail on the head by recognizing the acronym.
I have read “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. It’s a great book primarily because it is such a light read. (A friend of mine keeps a copy in her guest bathroom for just that reason). In some of my first drafts of JCL I have tried to take an angle that is a bit more in-depth and demanding of the reader but also is much more humorous.
Comment # 6 left by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
to clarify what I mean by “light read” vs. “in-depth” is that Richard Carlson tends to discuss ways in which you can prevent sweating the small stuff, it’s like taking aspirin for a headache without addressing the underlying tumor. I intend to show people why they lose their temper, not just how to avoid doing it.
Comment # 7 left by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
Don’t sweat the small stuff …. in the bathroom.
Hilarious!
Comment # 8 left by Eric Nielson on November 14th, 2006
Yes, I am saying that anything beyond your control is not worth bemoaning. Including the death of loved ones. I understand it’s a tall order to ask people not grieve.
I was mostly with you in theory until this one. This is even counter to scripture.
D&C 42: 45
45 Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.
Death and someone’s not having a glorious resurrection are usually both things out of our control, and yet the Lord commands us to love enough that we feel sorrow when someone dies. Don’t root out the things that are the result of love. I don’t think your approach can work quite as broadly as you would like it to. Just make sure you aren’t preaching doctrine that isn’t consistent with Doctrine, and you will probably be OK.
(As corny as it may sound, the best self-help books I have read are ones that are in line with scripture and doctrine and eternal principles, whether they know it or not. Truth resonates, and LDS readers will be able to catch you if you don’t stay so consistent, and non-LDS may because it may not resonate.)
So, have your scriptures close…and maybe use your wife to make sure you aren’t being too cold along the way!
Bear in mind that I’m commenting as one who finds the power of empathy in reaching out to others probably one of the most meaningful types of experience that life has to offer. And I could never learn empathy from a book. I learn it as I struggle and feel and hurt through life’s hard times. Similarly, my dearest, closest, most trusted friends are those who don’t smack me upside the head when I’m struggling but instead put their arms around me and help me work through whatever (which I think is more like the Lord’s approach). And they are those who have struggled themselves so they know how to succor me (this is how the Lord is able to succor as well). They still encourage me to control what I can and let the rest go (as the Lord does, too), but they don’t negate my feelings or encourage me to skip over them. One person’s way of dealing with life may not work for another, so just be careful about taking it too far (whatever THAT is supposed to mean).
Good luck finding where to draw the line…it’s incredibly hard to think about how I would do that. But I won’t buy the book if you don’t leave room for some empathy cuz I’m one who needs it!
(OK, that was long. Clearly I have strong feelings about this (and I probably have a lot of growing up to do). I don’t want to be turned into someone who won’t feel grief or pain at all (maybe I should want to, but I don’t), but I love good tricks about not sweating the small stuff that simply wastes energy and doesn’t lead to any good at all.)
OK, just remember, you asked…..
Comment # 9 left by m&m on November 14th, 2006
JCL gave us the government we have today!
JCL for small stuff, okay. For big stuff its “when thou hast been warned, warn thy neighbor” and “teach correct principles”.
Are there words of Christ that re-enforce JCL? Seems to me almost all records we have of him are anti-JCL (with perhaps the exception of sleeping on the boat during the storm).
Hmmmmm
Comment # 10 left by ed42 on November 14th, 2006
This is even counter to scripture.
I agree and your comments are quite valid… give me some time to consider how that works into the concept. Remember, it’s not JCL that is flawed, it’s that the limited ability of our mortal minds to comprehend it is flawed.
with perhaps the exception of sleeping on the boat during the storm)
classic.
Are there words of Christ that re-enforce JCL? Seems to me almost all records we have of him are anti-JCL
I couldn’t (respectfully) disagree with you more. Christ was the ultimate example of self-mastery. No one forced Christ to feel what he didn’t want to feel. He was the king of self-control. His “anger” was in actuality a controlled outburst designed to shock those on the receiving end into action. I find it extremely difficult to believe that He was actually angry as we understand anger (the kind of blind, irrational, visceral reaction that typically leads us to do or say things that we regret later).
JCL gave us the government we have today!
Actually an apathetic citizenship gave us the government we have today.. just because I don’t get all upset and in a tizzy about abuses of power and such doesn’t mean I don’t take measured and logical actions against it by exercising my power to vote, signing appropriate petitions, contacting my local representatives, supporting media outlets that jive with my beliefs, etc… Don’t mistake JCL for sloth. It’s not called “Don’t care”. People who “care” to an excess are typically the people who end up becoming bitter and angry extremists, blinded to logic and rational process by their own poisonous rage.
Comment # 11 left by Ryan on November 14th, 2006
When I read your anecdote about the bride’s maid dress, I was reminded about a fabulous book I read, “Bonds That Make Us Free” by C. Terry Warner. Add it to your list for research. (The book doesn’t have anything to do with “caring less” but rather with avoiding self-deception that makes us miserable.)
Comment # 12 left by Bradley Ross on November 14th, 2006
I second Bradley’s recommendation. Another excellent book is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I found that one even more practical and implementable; Warner’s book felt a little out of reach to me, although it was incredibly doctrinally/principle-ly sound.
Comment # 13 left by m&m on November 15th, 2006
OK. I was just trying to humor you Ryan. I am very sad that you and Wade are leaving.
Comment # 14 left by Eric Nielson on November 15th, 2006
Bonds That Make Us Free
Sounds like its the same book that Wade added to my reading list… ‘out of the mouths of two or three (Michelle) witnesses’ huh? I guess I better read it.
Comment # 15 left by Ryan on November 15th, 2006
Ryan,
Best of luck with the book. I’ll give my solicited advice: don’t fool yourself, don’t believe yourself, don’t trust yourself. I see a lot of young scientists making the mistake of wanting so badly for a hypothesis to be true that they exclude contrary data, either by ignoring it or by brushing it aside as anomaly. You need to build up your case, then view it from the outside as an attacker, looking for the most damning arguments that would tear the whole thing down. You asked us for help finding the faults, and that’s fine, but you are supposed to be the expert on JCL and so you should also know how best to defeat it. If you can find a way to defeat it, then you have to either modify JCL or leave it as trash. If JCL can survive your honest best-effort assault, only then will you have the confidence to defend it in public.
In short: Don’t look for supporting evidence, look for damning evidence.
And in the spirit of Sustain’d, let me chalk one up against Bonds that Make Us Free. It was okay, but I think Warner sets up a world that is not the reality for many people. The reader either has to live in that same kind of world, or they have to believe that they do. Nevertheless, I still think it is a must-read for you, but only because you are attempting to capture a similar market and you need to see what that market likes.
Comment # 16 left by BrianJ on November 15th, 2006
I need to remember who I am here…I’m Michelle. I’m Michelle….
Brian, not that I’m writing a book right now, but if I ever did, that’s great advice.
Comment # 17 left by Michelle on November 15th, 2006
The ideas mentioned in the “JCL Issues” section really just come down to picking your battles–and that’s an individual thing. Go ahead and take the individual, conscious effort to decide what issues you *do* care about, and let the rest roll off by default, I say. A death, I would mourn, no doubt. An aggressive driver, though, I would just give a wide berth on the freeway.
Comment # 18 left by Naiah on November 15th, 2006
Brian:
It was okay, but I think Warner sets up a world that is not the reality for many people.
What are you saying? Do you think Christ set up a “world” that was the simple reality for “many people”? On the contrary, I would submit that Christ commanded the ideal: i.e., be ye therefore perfect. Should we dismiss his teaching (his thesis) because it is not the current reality?
Of course Warner’s book points to non-reality; if it merely reiterated the world as we know it, his thesis would be moot and a useless read for everyone. Can you be more specific about what was false about his thesis (particularly about the concept of self-deception and justification of our beliefs and feelings about/for others)?
Comment # 19 left by Wade on November 15th, 2006
[You should be] looking for the most damning arguments that would tear the whole thing down
Well said. Thus my presentation here on the blog for criticism. The problem I guess I have with part of your comment is that I am already 100% convinced I am right about the general concept, it’s the particulars that need some fine-tuning (because everyone is a little different). What I do know is that my friend and I are consistently happier, calmer and generally more cheerful than just about anyone we know. The proof is in the pudding as they say.
let me chalk one up against Bonds that Make Us Free
I won’t be swooping to Warner’s defense like Wade since I haven’t read his book.. although I am wondering if you have any reading suggestions that present an alternative thesis to Warner’s that you find more appealing.
A death, I would mourn, no doubt.
I think I really lost a lot of people on that one. I myself think it seems unreasonable to ask of anyone. Unfortunately, it’s the extreme extension of my logic and honestly I’m still not convinced it’s inaccurate despite the unorthodoxy (see: absurdity). Michelle makes some great arguments though… so I am still working it out.
Comment # 20 left by Ryan on November 15th, 2006
and by the way I have no explanation for the image that accompanies this post. I just typed angry into google image search and the red bloated guy looked funny. Sorry for any consternation this might have caused.
Comment # 21 left by Ryan on November 15th, 2006
FWIW, I actually liked the little red guy.
Comment # 22 left by Michelle on November 15th, 2006
Thanks Michelle, I’ll pass the sentiment along next time we sit down for a photo shoot
Comment # 23 left by Ryan on November 16th, 2006
Wade,
I’m sure that you do not equate Christ with Warner, and neither do I. My point is that Warner’s ideas work well for some but not all people. Christ, on the other hand, had certain amounts of knowledge and power not available to Warner. In fact, I think that Christ exposed the reality of the world in his teachings, often contradicting conventional wisdom.
“Can you be more specific about what was false about his thesis?”
I know my answer will be unsatisfactory, but it is “no.” I read the book several years ago and don’t remember it well enough to write a detailed criticism. I do remember a few things, though: 1) my friends loved it, every page; 2) I found some parts to be very insightful; 3) I found that some suggestions worked well for my friends but not for me.
If this had been a post about Warner’s book, I wouldn’t have commented at all, because I don’t remember it well enough to debate it. But I thought my comment would be helpful in this post’s context because I think Ryan should be aware that at least one person was not completely satisfied by Warner’s book.
Comment # 24 left by BrianJ on November 16th, 2006
Ryan,
IMO, and I think you’ll agree that Christ cared (and cares) very deeply about people, so you I think you’ll have an uphill battle trying to convince people that Just-Care-Less (key word care) would ever apply to Christ. Perhaps I don’t understand, but it’s the author’s responsibility to make his point clear.
Comment # 25 left by ed42 on November 17th, 2006