Needs
Posted by Michelle on October 14th, 2006 I have a question: Is there a place for needs in the gospel? 
Here’s a follow-up question: If so, how do we reconcile that with the doctrine of unselfishness and finding strength in the Lord?
And one more question: If so, how do we determine when our needs are legitimate versus when we are either playing the victim, or being selfish, or not exercising agency in an appropriate way?
I am seeking for gospel-centered answers to this question, not answers based on popular psychological theories or even personal experiences or musings without some doctrinal underpinnings. Why? Because we can each have our own theories and they can too easily be wrong. I want to see if we can ferrett out a correct(ish) answer in gospel terms. I’m stuck on this one. I have found that it isn’t as straightforward a question as it may appear at first blush. Or is it?
As background: I had someone discuss the idea about choosing not to be needy, and it just didn’t feel quite right, although ideally maybe it is. Maybe I’m just too wimpy to want the guilt of always having (or being able?) to choose to not be needy. The Lord truly says He can make our burdens light. We are told we can choose our reactions, actions and thoughts. But then why would we be commanded to mourn with those that mourn and all of that?
Anyway, what are your thoughts?
p.s. I should note that I’m thinking more along the lines of emotional needs, not physical ones.
Comment # 1 left by Michelle on October 14th, 2006
I’m thinking of President Hinkley’s counsel on what each new member needs to recieve: friendship, a calling, and nuturing by the good word of God. Why would someone “need” something like friendship, or calling, or even to be nurtured by gospel teaching? It seems that, at least, he is aware of several distinct emotional needs: the need for human companionship, the need to progress and be responsible, and the need to get closer to God. In its ideal state, the church is designed just to fit those needs.
Comment # 2 left by Cameron on October 14th, 2006
Short answer: I think yes, quite clearly.
Comment # 3 left by Wade on October 14th, 2006
OK, Wade. But that covers the “turn to the Lord for your needs” part. I’m wondering about those needs that lead us to turn to others. Don’t know if I’m making sense here.
Comment # 4 left by mullingandmusing (m&m) on October 14th, 2006
btw, when I am not signed in, my comments show up from m&m…just to let those who don’t know that I’m the same person here.
Comment # 5 left by mullingandmusing (m&m) on October 14th, 2006
OK. Let me share a few quotes that show that the answer isn’t always 100% clear or always the same, either. Sometimes needs need to be put aside, and sometimes they might not be consistent with the gospel (think of the need for intimacy, for example - sometimes needs must be kept in check).
Consider the following:
Neal A. Maxwell, “Repent of [Our] Selfishness” (D&C 56:8),” Ensign, May 1999, 23
In one degree or another we all struggle with selfishness. Since it is so common, why worry about selfishness anyway? Because selfishness is really self-destruction in slow motion. No wonder the Prophet Joseph Smith urged, “Let every selfish feeling be not only buried, but annihilated” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 178). Hence annihilation—not moderation—is the destination!…
In daily discipleship, the many ways to express selfishness are matched by many ways to avoid it. Meekness is the real cure, for it does not merely mask selfishness but dissolves it! Smaller steps could include asking ourselves inwardly before undertaking an important action, Whose needs am I really trying to meet? (emph. his)
Children Are Becoming Less Valued
President James E. Faust, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, addressed a “shift in attitude about the purpose of marriage. More and more young people view marriage ‘as a couples relationship, designed to fulfill the emotional needs of adults, rather than an institution for bringing up children.’ …
“Strengthening the Family: Multiply and Replenish the Earth,” Ensign, Apr. 2005, 18
I testify that how we choose to feel and think and act every day is the way we get on the path, and stay on it, until we reach our eternal destination.
Robert D. Hales, “To Act for Ourselves: The Gift and Blessings of Agency,” Ensign, May 2006, 4 (emph. his)
Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.” [This to me could imply that a key to marriage is focusing on loving one’s spouse, not focusing on one’s own “unmet needs.”]
Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Love in Marriage,” Ensign, Oct. 2000, 16
{This is an example of where my questions fit in. Expanded to a family setting, I often wonder about where the balance is between taking care of family members and taking care of our own personal needs. Clearly we are to do both (if we don’t put the mask on first, we can’t help others), but clearly this can also be taken to an extreme). See the next quote.}
Be the kind of a family member who is willing to take time to be available. Develop the ability and self-discipline to think of other family members and their communication needs ahead of your own—a willingness to prepare for the moment—the sharing moment, the teaching moment. Shed the very appearance of preoccupation in self, and learn the skill of penetrating a family member’s shield of preoccupation. Sad is the day when a daughter is heard to say, “My mother gives me everything except herself.”
Marvin J. Ashton, “Family Communications,” Ensign, May 1976, 52
[T]he principles of temporal welfare apply to emotional problems as well.
The Welfare handbook instructs: “[We must] earnestly teach and urge Church members to be self-sustaining to the full extent of their powers. No true Latter-day Saint will … voluntarily shift from himself the burden of his own support. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Almighty and with his own labors, he will supply himself with the necessities of life.” (1952, p. 2.)….
We seem to be developing an epidemic of “counselitis” which drains spiritual strength….
That, some may assume, is not serious. It is very serious!
On one hand, we counsel bishops to avoid abuses in welfare help. On the other hand, some bishops dole out counsel and advice without considering that the member should solve the problem himself.
Boyd K. Packer, “Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord’s Own Way,” Ensign, May 1978, 91
I really believe the gospel leaves room for us to have individual needs; otherwise, we wouldn’t be commanded to love others, serve others, etc. Nor would there be programs like visiting and home teaching if there wasn’t a recognition by the Lord of the needs we have. But I also see some clear doctrinal precedence for doing all we can to make sure that if we are turning to others to help us emotionally, we have approached our problems spiritually and personally with God, then seeking help from family, etc. (following welfare principles). We are also encouraged to seek to forget self in service. I am sure there is no way to delineate where those lines are exactly, but I think it’s worth chewing on.
Comment # 6 left by Michelle on October 14th, 2006
This is a great question, Michelle. I’ve found that many women in the Church struggle greatly with this issue. Unfortunately many of them don’t take care of their own needs very well, and are exhausted and burned out fulfilling the needs of other people. There needs to be a balance between taking care of ourselves and serving others, but I think many LDS women believe they aren’t important enough (or whatever the reason) to ask others for help in fulfilling their own needs.
Comment # 7 left by ECS on October 15th, 2006
Thanks for your thoughts, ECS. I think in many cases you are right. It’s tough finding (and teaching) that balance, isn’t it?
Comment # 8 left by Michelle on October 15th, 2006
In thinking of determining legitimate vs. non-legitimate needs, are you looking for examples like needing to be the center of attention, needing to serve others, needing things to be orderly, needing to vent, needing approval, needing to be right, needing constant affirmation, etc?
Comment # 9 left by Téa on October 16th, 2006
I’m sorry that I do not have time now to quote scriptures. If my thoughts are not what you want feel free to ignore them.
It seems that often in the gospel we are expected to do all we can to help ourselves, and do all we can to help others. For our own needs turn to the Lord.
It seems self reliance is the ultimate goal in life. The emphasis seems to be on helping others, not being helped by others.
Sorry for the lack of documentation.
Comment # 10 left by Eric Nielson on October 16th, 2006
Eric’s thoughts have me thinking…
Is the principle of self-reliance (taking the responsibility upon ourselves and God to meet those needs) a way to determine whether a particular need is an acceptable one?
Could there be legitimate needs that requires someone else to help us fulfil them?
As we are serving others, we are often attempting to meet their needs without trampling on their agency. Is it up to us to evaluate a request/need to see if it is legitimate?
Comment # 11 left by Téa on October 16th, 2006
Téa,
It’s hard for me to even express all of my thoughts and questions because it’s all kind of muddied. But at least in one sense, I think you have hit on some of the needs that can be problematic. We have in our society an over-emphasis on personal needs, I think. That can distort our view on what is really legitimate and what isn’t.
I think most of the needs you listed probably aren’t very positive ones, although one that struck me personally is “needing to vent.”
I think it’s also important to realize that the ideal is one thing (to be at a place where one is truly self-reliant (which involves relying on God in a big way for emotional needs) but reality is that we usually aren’t quite there. And sometimes that fluctuates. Sometimes I am a wreck and could really use some mortal moral support. Sometimes I don’t feel very good about myself and benefit from someone knocking me upside the head and telling me I’m OK. But at the same time, I realize that those are things I need to figure out and deal with better, relying more on God to support and sustain me and my insecurities and such more and relying on people less. I think it’s a process.
Because I want to be perfect, I struggle when I don’t reach the ideal. I want to be sefl-reliant, but sometime I am not. Sometimes life gets the best of me and I fall apart.
I appreciated the following from Kathleen Hughes:
Recently our presidency was meeting with a Church leader. He commented that he wished Relief Society and priesthood meetings would be places where we would be able to say to one another, “Sisters, or brothers, I’m struggling right now. Will you help me?”
I like your thoughts, Téa, on how to evaluate our needs. Care to expound a bit?
p.s. Eric, specific quotes, etc. aren’t necessary…general ideas like you shared were great!
Comment # 12 left by Michelle on October 16th, 2006
Frankly, I’m not sure how we can honestly evaluate someone else’s needs, because we are viewing them through our own. My need for intelligent discussion cannot be achieved without involving others. Does this indicate it’s not a legitimate need because I cannot take care of it solely by myself? Some express a need to be hugged, while there are others who could happily go through life never getting a hug. Is the latter better because they aren’t imposing on anyone?
Perhaps in addressing emotional needs, self-reliance can be taken in two ways: first, I do what I can and include God in the process; second, I accept responsibility for finding ways/people/situations where my needs can be met. If I need a friend, I don’t sit at home waiting for God to send someone to my doorstep. If I need help, like Sister Hughes said, I should find a way to achieve that, which includes asking someone else for counsel and potential resources. It is very unfortunate that we haven’t got that kind of community at Church, and I think statements like the one from Elder Packer that you quoted above probably contribute to that. When we have needs that involve others, we can’t be bootstrappers.
Here’s a few lines from a bnl song (so not Gospel!) but I find them interesting with this discussion
“They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?”
I’m just rambling now, sorry. I think you can break any action down, kind of like compounds into elements, and find there are basic needs motivating those actions. Maybe it isn’t a discussion of the propriety of needs as much as the ways those needs are externalized, like the need for intimacy you referred to at the beginning.
Comment # 13 left by Téa on October 17th, 2006
“the idea about choosing not to be needy”
While wondering how you defined needy, it led me to King Benjamin’s address in Mosiah 4 starting with verse 16. I modified these verses in a poor attempt to help read the rest of the chapter with emotional needs in mind.
17-Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my [time], nor impart unto him of my [emotional support] that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—
19 For behold, are we not all [needy]? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the [emotional resources] which we have, for both [love] and [respect], and for [safety], and for [reassurance], and for all the [friends] which we have of every kind?
Thoughts?
Comment # 14 left by Téa on October 17th, 2006
I think both Pres. Packer and Sister Hughes (as representations of both sides of the coin) are right. This is why I ask the questions I do, because I am trying to figure out that balance. We do all we can, like you said, and then feel like we can turn to others for help when we feel like our own efforts need a boost..??? maybe?
Comment # 15 left by Michelle on October 17th, 2006
Incidentally, I think the Lord’s plan and Church take into consideration our needs. In the ideal, the family meets needs of love, security, etc. The Church programs are to help meet needs of human contact, teaching one another, sharing and hearing experiences and testimony, visiting and caring for one another, etc. So clearly the Lord doesn’t ignore needs.
Comment # 16 left by Michelle on October 17th, 2006