I must think I’m so hilarious…
Posted by Ryan on May 22nd, 2006
Yesterday I picked up the program for Sacrament meeting and sat down and prepared for a good 2 - 3 minute read. I was grossly disappointed to find that there were only two (2) announcements! Having been duly robbed of my scheduled distraction, I decided to take a few minutes to come up with some announcements of my own and wrote them as such…
New Convert Fireside – Sunday Night @7:00 pm - This fireside will explore the subtleties of lime green jell-o preparation.
Mutual: Tuesday Night @ 7:00 pm – Young men should bring welding torches to start final construction of our self-piloting laser guided rotary flight units to prepare for our upcoming exploratory expedition of undiscovered corridors throughout the grand canyon. Young women should bring yarn for knitting scarves.
Family History Seminar: Saturday @ 8:00 am – “From you to Adam” Family History counselors will help attendees uncover their genealogy back to Adam. Attendes will not be permitted to leave until at least two lines are completed
Singles Cruise: Friday @ 7:00 pm – We will be going on a fun-filled, no pressure dinner and dance cruise. Come aboard and prepare to have a great time! (Bishops and Stake President will be available on the ship to perform recommend interviews and the temple scheduler will be seated next to them… Saturday still has two sealing times available)
Elders Quorum: Did you finish your hometeaching Bill? I tried calling you yesterday. Come find me after sacrament, I need to turn in my numbers
Relief Society: Did you hear what Joanne Summerbocker said to Nina Bolera?! Oh my Heck! See Sister brown for details
High Council: Okay guys, let’s try to stay awake in Sacrament meeting today, I know we can do it!
Please feel free to add your own
Comment # 1 left by Ryan on May 22nd, 2006
The procrastination fireside has been postponed.
Comment # 2 left by Eric on May 22nd, 2006
You are hilarious, Ryan!
Not an announcement, but it does mention Sacrament meeting:
Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn’t find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said, “Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament meeting is about to start.” He responds,”I can’t go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me.” She says, “But you have to go back in….You’re the Bishop.”
And Eric is also hilarious!
Comment # 3 left by C Jones on May 22nd, 2006
The ward clerk kindly reminds everyone that Monopoly money is not an acceptable form of payment for tithing, and neither are resource cards from Settlers of Zarahemla. Thank-you.
Comment # 4 left by Naiah Earhart on May 22nd, 2006
eric and naiah.. nice ones
Comment # 5 left by Ryan on May 22nd, 2006
Civilty,
You know, your comment gave me an idea that maybe sometime we should hold a bloggernacle Mormon joke contest.. I bet there’s some real zingers out there…
Comment # 6 left by Ryan on May 22nd, 2006
RS Enrichment Meeting lesson will be on Low Self-Esteem Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
Comment # 7 left by C Jones on May 22nd, 2006
I am going to cheat and use some I found. These are not original. Hope somebody enjoys them anyway. I’m really not all that hilarious.
There will be a fasting conference next Saturday. The cost of the conference will cover the meals.
The peacemaker meeting was cancelled due to a conflict.
For those who have children and don’t know it, there is a nursery available.
Comment # 8 left by Eric on May 22nd, 2006
This is one I came up with myself.
There are many who are serving in callings that have not been set-apart yet. If you are in that situation, the bishopric has asked that you lay your hands on your head and repeat the following statement…..
Comment # 9 left by Eric on May 23rd, 2006
“For those who have children and don’t know it, there is a nursery available.”
Don’t know that they have children? I’m confused.
Comment # 10 left by BrianJ on May 23rd, 2006
brian,
The message was intended to inform those who are not aware of the exisence of a nursery. Instead it came out the way you read it.
Comment # 11 left by Ryan on May 24th, 2006