The hated “Tree of Life”
Posted by Ryan on April 14th, 2006
I remember keenly the day I found out the horrible secret about the MTC. Codename: The Tree of Life. Yes, all you Elders out there know the hydro-terror of which I so wincingly speak. It’s an abuse beyond all description. A testimony shaker if there ever was one and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if in the Millennium it is revealed unto us that the underlying cause for nearly every missionary who leaves his mission while in the MTC can be traced back to this, the sole aquatic rival to the Chinese water torture of childhood lore.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular device, let me describe it for you: It is located in the bathrooms where typically you would find a shower with an accompanying curtain. It is all metallic and shiny. Not like the chrome bumper of a ’77 Chevy Camaro though. It is metallic and shiny like the pointy objects your dentist uses to slice up your gums as though he was a modern-day Zorro.
This shiny metal cylinder raises out of the ground to a height of about six to seven feet and all around the top of it are shower heads. I would tell you how many showerheads there were but every run-in I had with the Tree of Life, I was in a self-induced hypnotic trance so as to protect my psyche from any potential contact with another human being. Yes, The Tree of Life was its name - but when you were there showering, nay, clamoring for water, you never felt so lifeless.
When I first heard of the Tree of Life I was a bit dazed. Sort of like the guy who stares at the mushroom cloud of a nuclear blast shortly before realizing he is about to be incinerated. Fortunately at the time of my MTC induction I was getting way too much information to process any of it anyway. Then, to make me even more naïve, the first 4 weeks of my two month stay were in the cozy dorms that used to belong to the sister missionaries. Shower stalls for everyone! Ten minute showers? Nonsense. Take twenty!
We were kings.
My world of sheltered bathing came crashing down one terrible day. The MTC had gotten too crowded. The sisters needed their building back. We packed up and moved to the slums amongst the other Elders and I beheld, for the first time in my meager existence, The Tree of Life. I felt as Job. The world had abandoned me to sharing a shower with the masses. There was only one solution. Wake up early and beat the rest of the Elders to the showers.
4:30 am. In the dark silence a vibrating alarm goes off and the silhouette of a broken man stealthily steals across the corridors of the 3rd floor. No precious second is wasted as the hot water courses through the pipes instantly alerting those who are in the know that someone has breached the curtain of the handicapped shower stall. In that moment, all will know that their lust for sleep has cost them dearly as now they too will be caught up in the stampede of flesh that will surround the Tree of Life.
The handicapped shower… a thoughtful alternative for those who are bound by some physical infirmity? No. The salvation for those who suffer a different kind of handicap…self-consciousness.
Are you sure it wasn’t the tree of knowledge of good and evil?
Comment # 1 left by john f. on April 14th, 2006
Hahaha! I once worked at a summer camp back in Ohio with the very same kind of shower. Frankly, it was downright bizarre, because, well, we were girls and our modesty and all…Clearly the administration of the camp missed that point.
Being staff, we would periodically commandeer it, block off the entryways to it preventing campers from joining us.
I was 15, ridiculously skinny, and hideously self conscious, and there was no alternative such as a handicapped shower stall. Yikes, thanks for the flashback.
Comment # 2 left by Naiah Earhart on April 14th, 2006
The high school and middle school that I went to had such showers. Often showers after gym class were mandatory. I enjoyed *years* with those showers. Ahh, the horrors. *sigh* good times.
Comment # 3 left by Starfoxy on April 14th, 2006
Stee-range… I really am surprised by this. You’d think that with the church’s emphasis on modesty the showers wouldn’t be arranged like that. Is there anyone the Missionaries and their families can appeal to? o.O
Comment # 4 left by Proud Daughter of Eve on April 14th, 2006
I can only commiserate with Ryan.
When I went to basic training and was faced with the horror that is …..
“Communal showers,”
I vowed that when I was done with the army that would be the last time for such a traumatic ritual….
(as if the communal wasn’t bad enough …. Just picture a Drill Sgt yelling at you from outside the shower room to MOVE IT PRIVATE!!!!)
And so it was with horror that I stared at that blasted “tree of life” in the MTC and wondered how such a spiritual place could inflict such pain on one such as I.
Alas, (sigh) I will carry the scars of both experiences to my grave.
[name has been withheld to protect the innocent]
Comment # 5 left by Anonymous on April 14th, 2006
Here is an picture I took of one of the trees of life at my high school. I found it and scanned it in, just for you guys!
Tree of Life
Comment # 6 left by Starfoxy on April 14th, 2006
Yikes! Anything that can be compared to dentist devices must be horrifying!
I have a son who is modest enough that when he had a concussion from a snowboarding fall and didn’t know where or who he was, he still fought the nurses tooth and nail when they tried to remove his pants.
Comment # 7 left by C Jones on April 14th, 2006
Starfoxy!!!
Noooooo! Aaaaaagh! The horror!! *twitch twitch*
Comment # 8 left by Naiah Earhart on April 14th, 2006
Ryan:
I’ve already told you, but this post is a gem! Indeed, I made sure to set the alarm extra early in order to secure one of those single stall showers (I don’t like calling them “handicap” showers because I would never occupy something needed by the handicap).
C:
Sounds like some good material for a post!
Comment # 9 left by Wade on April 14th, 2006
Nice post.
I guess this is another example of something that makes me strange. Perhaps I played sports to much but locker-room style showers don’t bother me a bit. It would probably be different if I was in prison instead of at the MTC.
Trying to fit in and make new friends and deal with being outside my social comfort zone in the MTC was difficult. Showering with a couple dozen stranges - no big deal for me. Teaching the gospel to intelligent people who were humble enough to listen - priceless.
Comment # 10 left by Eric on April 14th, 2006
I honestly don’t remember them. Don’t have any idea why, unless it is blocking trauma. Perhaps after high school the MTC was no big deal.
Comment # 11 left by Jettboy on April 15th, 2006
As bad as the “tree of life” was, and it was bad enough, when I was in the army, our toilets had no stalls. That’s right, just a throne standing proudly for all to see. Talk about performance anxiety….
Comment # 12 left by Anonymous on April 16th, 2006
My “tree of life” shower was in Esquipulas, Guatemala. We had a shower with unbelievable high pressure and volume. The water came straight from the hills and it was ICE COLD. Every morning I’d get up at 5:30am, turn on the shower, jump in, scream, jump out, use the soap, jump in, scream, jump out.
I was there for six months.
You just don’t forget something like that.
Comment # 13 left by danithew on April 17th, 2006
i think the powers that be at the MTC are closeted fags who get a kick out of making elders shower close up and naked together. what a bunch of sickos. so much for honor codes and modesty. hypocrites.
Comment # 14 left by Anonymous on June 3rd, 2006